Why Mindfulness Matters in Relationships

Mindfulness is something that a lot of therapists recommend.

You may have been told to focus on your breathing, notice your thoughts, pay attention to what is happening in your body, or spend a few minutes trying to be more present.

But I think something that sometimes gets missed is explaining why we are actually doing this.

Why would sitting for a few minutes and noticing your breathing make any difference when you’re struggling with anxiety, stress, or problems in your relationship?

A good place to start is by thinking about mindfulness as a skill.

And like most skills, the more we practice it, the better we tend to get at it.

So, What Skill Are We Building?

At its simplest, mindfulness is helping us build awareness.

We are learning to become better at noticing what is happening in our inner world.

That might be a thought.

An emotion.

Tension in our body.

An urge to say something.

A memory.

A worry.

Or perhaps just the feeling that something isn’t quite right.

All of this stuff is happening inside us throughout the day. The interesting thing is that we often aren’t particularly aware of it.

And that’s where it can become important in our relationships.

Imagine your partner says something that you don’t particularly like.

Maybe almost immediately you feel your body tense up. Your mind gives you a thought like, “Here we go again,” or “They don’t understand me.” You feel yourself getting angry or defensive.

Before you know it, you’ve said something back.

Your partner reacts to that.

You react to their reaction.

And suddenly you’re in an argument.

We’ve probably all experienced some version of this.

Mindfulness can help us become a little more aware of what is happening before we automatically react to it.

Awareness Gives Us More Choice

With practice, we may start becoming better at noticing things like:

I’m getting defensive right now.

I’m feeling hurt.

My body is really tense.

I’m having the thought that they don’t care about me.

I really want to shut down and get out of this conversation.

That awareness is important because it creates a little bit of space.

And sometimes that little bit of space is enough to allow us to choose what we want to do next.

Maybe instead of immediately defending ourselves, we ask a question.

Maybe instead of walking away, we tell our partner that we’re feeling overwhelmed.

Maybe instead of assuming we know what they meant, we become curious and ask them.

The goal isn’t to stop having difficult thoughts or feelings.

We’re human. We’re going to have them.

The goal is to become better at noticing them so that they don’t automatically decide how we behave.

What Happens Inside Us Often Shows Up Between Us

One of the things I find particularly helpful about looking at mindfulness from a relational perspective is recognizing that what happens inside of us often affects what happens between us.

If I feel criticized, I might become defensive.

If I feel afraid, I might try to control the situation.

If I feel overwhelmed, I might withdraw.

If I feel rejected, I might become angry.

If I’m uncertain about what my partner is thinking, my mind may quickly create a story to explain it.

And sometimes we become so caught up in these reactions that we don’t even realize they’re happening.

Practicing mindfulness gives us an opportunity to notice them.

We might recognize that underneath the anger is actually hurt.

Or that underneath the need to control something is fear.

Or that the thought “They don’t care about me” is something our mind is telling us rather than something we actually know for certain.

When we can notice this, we have a better opportunity to respond differently.

Moving From Certainty to Curiosity

Our minds love certainty.

When something happens in a relationship, we very quickly try to figure out what it means.

They didn’t answer my text because they’re angry with me.

They’re quiet because they don’t want to be around me.

They’re disagreeing with me because they don’t respect me.

Those stories can feel incredibly real.

Mindfulness isn’t about telling ourselves that those thoughts are wrong.

Instead, it helps us notice that they are thoughts.

There’s a difference between:

“My partner doesn’t care about me.”

and

“I’m noticing I’m having the thought that my partner doesn’t care about me.”

That small difference can sometimes create room for curiosity.

Instead of being certain that we know what is happening for the other person, perhaps we can ask.

“Can you help me understand what was happening for you there?”

Curiosity tends to open conversations.

Certainty can sometimes close them.

Practicing Being Present

Mindfulness also helps us practice something that sounds very simple but can actually be quite difficult: being where we are.

Our minds spend a tremendous amount of time in the past and the future.

We replay conversations.

We think about what someone said last week.

We worry about what might happen tomorrow.

We prepare arguments in our head for conversations that haven’t happened yet.

And sometimes we are doing all of this while sitting across from somebody we care about.

Mindfulness helps us practice bringing our attention back to what is happening right now.

What is this person actually saying?

What am I noticing in myself?

What is happening between us in this moment?

It doesn’t mean that the past isn’t important or that we shouldn’t think about the future.

It simply means becoming better at recognizing when our mind has left the present moment and gently bringing ourselves back.

Building Our Ability to Handle Difficult Moments

Another way I think about mindfulness is that we are building some fitness around difficult internal experiences.

If every time I feel anxious, angry, hurt, or uncomfortable I immediately have to do something to make the feeling go away, I’m probably going to be pretty reactive.

Mindfulness gives us practice noticing uncomfortable experiences without immediately needing to act on them.

Over time, that may help us become more able to stay present when something difficult happens.

This can be particularly useful in close relationships because the people closest to us often have the greatest ability to activate us.

They know where our tender spots are—sometimes without even realizing it.

Mindfulness doesn’t mean that those triggers disappear.

It means we may become better at recognizing when we’ve been triggered and deciding how we want to respond.

You Don’t Need to Meditate for an Hour

Sometimes people hear the word mindfulness and immediately picture sitting cross-legged and meditating for long periods of time.

It really doesn’t have to look like that.

You can practice mindfulness for a few minutes.

You might notice your breathing.

You might pay attention to the sensations in your body.

You might notice what thoughts are showing up without trying to get rid of them.

Or you might simply stop at some point during the day and ask yourself:

What am I noticing right now?

What am I feeling?

What’s happening in my body?

What story is my mind telling me?

And then perhaps the most important question:

How do I want to respond?

Mindfulness Isn’t About Controlling Your Mind

Ultimately, mindfulness isn’t about becoming perfectly calm.

And it’s certainly not about learning how to control every thought or emotion that shows up.

It’s about becoming more aware of our inner experience and changing the relationship we have with it.

The more we’re able to notice what is happening inside us, the greater opportunity we have to choose how we want to behave.

And from a relational perspective, that’s really important.

Because when we become more aware of ourselves, we may become better able to listen, stay curious, tolerate difficult emotions, and respond more intentionally to the people who matter to us.

Sometimes the biggest change in a relationship doesn’t begin with changing the other person.

It begins by becoming a little more aware of what is happening inside ourselves—and noticing how that affects what happens between us.